I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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