Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
