My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Less talking, more tequila
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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