Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
