sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
