textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
