I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
