24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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