My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
