my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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