i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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