I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
