New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
