i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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