you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
