I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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