I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
