look no pants
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
