I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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