I just found puke in my bra..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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