and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
