i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
