And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
