im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
