please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
