Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
