At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm always down for nudity.
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