Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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