i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
