I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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