She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
