i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
