I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
