Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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