i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
