On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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