yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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