I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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