If i come over, it means nothing
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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