I met the friendliest cop last night
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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