Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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