maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
