I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
