please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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