Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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