stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Damn victory sex feels great
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
