I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
