I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
