She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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