1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
