Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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